The 10:How Can We Truly Prepare Ourselves for ‘Britney Ever After’? (We Can’t)

God damn you, Lifetime. 

And this time, it’s meant in the most mighty oak shade throwing way possible, because here we go again with another serving of their  “bio-pic,” “docu-series,” or whatever the f#$k it’s called, only this time our beloved Godney is at their Saturday night at 8 o’clock helm. (don’t act like you’re not coming over to watch, Evite response heard three weeks ago). 

First, they came for Saved by the Bell, Full House and Whitney, and we tried to make it stop. Then they came for ‘Liyah, Toni (maybe?) and Melrose Place and realized there was s#@t we could do because Lifetime not only owns our weekend hangover lives starring Tiffani Amber Thiessen and/or Tori Spelling or Candace Cameron Bure (oops…wrong channel), but the sassy network owns..our lives when it all comes down to a feature such as this one 

And what a this one it shall be, because Lifetime.

But rather than sharpening our pitchforks, let’s take a look at 10 moments from Britney’s career (the cover photo for this article is also one of them) that are guaranteed to be in the film (give or take a dozen…again, because Lifetime) but for the sake of getting #alternativeBritneyfacts to trend, let’s remember them in the most delightful way possible…as pure Britney truth. 

And to all of the fabulous queens who are ready to teach the younger generation about those classic Godney dance moves at your Britney Ever After gatherings on Saturday, save the library card for the Golden Girls flick because her original werk will unfortunately not be all up in it Bon Qui Qui style. 

See, told you this one was going to hurt a little bit, y’all. God damn you, Lifetime. 

1.Start it all off again with this…  Gird your naughty Catholic school girl outfits because next year, Britney‘s ellipses’ upped debit ditty will be twenty god damn years old. Rather than fixate on its demise by Lifetime, let’s begin to celebrate how we really can’t wait for 2018 to get here…now. Because we can’t. Pass the pink hair pom pom’s, please. 

2. “Stronger” makes us stronger. No shade to any of Ms. Spears epic clips from the ‘Oops’ era (especially that guy from “Don’t Let Me Be the Last Know: video), but “Stronger” is just that early ’00s Brit Brit fire. While we’ll never be able to figure out why it didn’t snatch the #1 spot on the Billboard Hot 100 (hey, at least it got two #1’s…..11…#angryemoji). but to that we say “whatever” and get our chair dance da f@@k on like nobody’s business. Now, hush just stop…and watch. 

3.Now, watch this. Get it, get it…now. 

4.”Toxic” Lovefest In the Zone plus Britney Out all Night plus one fierce ABC nighttime special equals one of the best Godney performances of all time, well, besides the 453 other ones. 

5.Because we can get through the Lifetime movie, we can get through this. Viewer Discretion Advised. 

6.It’s Blackout,” Bitch. Now, read all of this right here and get down to all of all that. 

7.All eyes in the center of Britney’s ‘Circus’ ring. Because, for the record, she’s officially back from the brink now. 

8.Til those sort of there dance moves end…and they did. As much sophomore Femme Fatale single, “Til the World Ends,” (anyone remember “Hold It Against Me? Anyone?) was a thunderous piece of pop fluff, its accompanying apocalypse themed video was the last to feature 2011ney’s so-so dance moves. Why? Because…

9. “Work Bitch” happened… And from there, Britney served us Las Vegas life with her resident own-incey, Britney Piece of Me, and from there it’s pretty much comeback history for our beloved Queen of Gettin Through Everything

Then, this..

Of course, this. 

Maybe this, but Bey happened. 

10. “Slumber Party” sass Let’s just put on that Britney music that makes us go fucking crazy, though. And of course, that’s meant in the most delightful way possible, y’all. 

So, let’s all get together at the Crossroads after Britney Ever After is all over so indeed we won’t be lonely…because Lifetime

And just for shits and giggles….


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