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5 Ways Mariah Can Truly Get Back Into Our New Year’s Eve Graces

Oops, she’s about to do it……again. 

And no, we’re not spilling about Britney‘s soon-to-be legendary performance via Las Vegas for the (sigh..) final round of her Piece of Me residency at Planet Hollywood that’s also taking place during Dick Clark’s Rockin Eve tonight.

Of course, we’re talking about Mariah Carey’s takeover of the iconic New Year’s Eve stage once again, or “Take 2” as the diva called it on Twitter when this epic announcement was made a few weeks ago. Of course, this wasn’t just any ol’ announcement as it comes directly one year after MC’s, errr, performance (?) from last year didn’t go quite as exactly as planned.

But without adding salt to the 2016 wounds that just won’t heal no matter how much electroshock therapy we seek (with 2017 not being so great either, so thank you for that), let’s just say all kinds of fingers we’re being pointed and the world was left stunned about what they just saw happen on one of the biggest live television broadcasts in the world….one of the biggest live performance dumpster fire performances in pop culture history. 

So, with that being said, there’s really nothing we can do but press play on our #1’s collection and oh, so patiently wait to see how Mariah is about to get back into our New Year’s Eve graces once again. While there are many, many ways she can do it, here are five that are guaranteed to simply do it all and then some.

Also, may the hypothermia not be with you, Times Square-r’s because fucking brrrr and then some…Godspeed…and especially you, MC. 

1.Maybe make a little joke about…that?  We all know that Mariah has a wickedly weird sense of humor, but let’s face it, it’s more of in a bat shit crazy diva kind of way. (see…Mariah’s World). So, you know what would really be fucking downright hilarious and delightfully twisted? If MC came out and a began with a little botch with a quick “just kidding, bitch!” to follow complete with grand New Year’s Eve slay. Now, that would truly be legendary and would surely silence all of those pesky haters that never seem to go away no how hard she tries…and she really, really does, y’all. 

 

2.DO NOT do the same set as last year…..    While we’re pretty sure MC won’t serve us with the same set as last year (it was “Emotions,” well, sort of, and “We Belong Together” in case you were too busy pouring tea during that time to listen), this year’s performance is all about diva redemption, so there’s good a chance that just might happen. However, for the sake of burning our lips for the start of 2018, don’t do it..please. Because Lawd forbid if something should go awry, the window/soul shattering prowess of those hits will truly be lost forever. May we suggest “Touch My Body” to open and a dash of “Hero” to bring the house down? Or perhaps the ODB remix of “Fantasy” for the kids and a touch of “Vision of Love” for the kweens? Hell, we’d even take “All I Want For Christmas is You,” because why the fuck not?  You get the idea…anything but last year’s, um, performances. Let’s leave it all where it rightfully belongs…more buried than Downsizing at the box office.

3.Pours tea…..maybe adjust the tracks to fit your present vocal range….takes sip. Okay, sooooo…the problem isn’t that Mariah can’t sing….bish has got a massive collection of chart destroying hits with eighteen Billboard number one singles among them to prove it. Check that, nineteen now that “AIWFC” finally sleigh-ed its way to the top this year. (You betta werk for that 500k every December, boo!)

However, the problem is that Mariah can’t sing those mid-’90s high notes like she used to…it’s just that she doesn’t know that yet. Or maybe she does and is just to god damn humble to admit it. Whatever the music truth may be, if you’re going to serve us with a true live performance, adjust those vocals to fit your mid-’40s vocal range. It’s okay, gurl. Celine has been doing it for years (see…this) and Adele and Ariana will eventually be there someday as well because it’s a perfectly naturally occurrence when you’ve belting out those hits pretty much all of your damn life. So at the end of the day. Mizz Mariah, we’re not bothered by the fact you can’t hit those high notes anymore, so just give us what we came for tonight…you. 

4.If something….does go wrong…..please, please don’t act like a huge fucking diva.  Bottom line…no one, repeat…no one wants to hear how you “didn’t rehearse” or how you “need a vacation, too.” And we’re pretty sure your backup dancers don’t need you to tell them “just bring me down.” Yes, all of that indeed went down and then some during last year’s diva-stivities, and since we’re all big boys and girls now after surviving a year that’s been, well, a fucking year, here is all of it one more time like Britney in case a certain diva named Mariah needs a refresher course of what not to do if your performance flatlines in the front of the whole god damn world..again. Let us pray and clutch those pearls. 

5. Just get out there slay that shit, gurl…..   The whole entire world knows you can do it…you’re MC for fuck’s sake. Enough said. 

Happy New Year, everyone! Here’s to many, many diva-filled blessings in the next twelve months to come! 

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Philly 2018 Winter Concert Guide

Happy Winter! 

Now, click on any of the links listed below and grab those tickets…but remember all dates and divas are subject to change. 

Now, let’s live music it up all brrrr season long, shall we? Yes. 

Go. 

 

 

 

 

Monday/January 15th 

Fetty Wap/Nexx Thursday /TLA 

Neon Dreams/Bourbon & Branch 

The Big Lonesome/Kung Fu Necktie Upstairs 

Tuesday/January 16th 

The Happy Fits/William Street Common 

Dan Kassel/World Cafe Live 

Wednesday/January 17th 

Stick Figure/The Fillmore 

Oteil & Friends/TLA 

Cayetana/Boot & Saddle 

Karl Blau/World Cafe Live 

Anna Moore/The Trocadero 

Cologne Pa/Kung Fu Necktie 

Thursday/January 18th 

YACHT/Johnny Brenda’s 

Royal Thunder/Kung Fu Necktie 

Alex Bugnon/South 

T.I.P/The Barbary 

The Obsessives/Boot & Saddle 

Kayleigh Goldsworthy/Ortlieb’s 

Friday/January 19th 

Rufus Wainwright/Kimmel Center 

Majid Jordan/STWO/The Fillmore 

Say Anything/The Trocadero 

Alex Aiono/The Foundry 

Felix da Housecat/Coda 

Cosmic Gate/Rumor 

Curtis Cooper/Johnny Brenda’s 

Damn Right/Milkboy Philly 

The Last Revel/Bourbon & Branch 

722/Boot & Saddle 

Saturday/January 20th

Flobots/Coda 

Chase Rice/The Fillmore 

BoomBox/Union Transfer 

Cormega & Viking/Voltage Lounge 

Kung Fu/The Foundry 

Tessa Violet/Boot & Saddle 

Chachi/NOTO 

Creem Circus/The Barbary 

OOLALA/Johnny Brenda’s 

Mach 22/Milkboy Philly 

Sunday/January 21st 

Lana Del Rey/Wells Fargo Center 

Walk the Moon/The Fillmore 

Becca Stevens/World Cafe Live 

Shelf Life/The Pharmacy

Jack Martini/Bourbon & Branch 

Luxedeluxe/Kung Fu Necktie Upstairs 

Monday/January 22nd 

Milky Chance/The Fillmore 

Sleeping With Sirens/The Foundry 

Tuesday/January 23rd 

Jacob Sartorius/The Fillmore 

Chris Stamey/World Cafe Live 

Wednesday/January 24th 

The Posies/Milkboy Philly 

Helado Negro/The Foundry 

SLØTFACE/Everybody Hits 

Palmas/Boot & Saddle 

Thursday/January 25th 

Above & Beyond/The Fillmore 

Tennis/Union Transfer 

Oliver Heldens/NOTO 

Manic Focus/TLA 

Toro Y Moi/Coda 

Slaughter Beach/Boot & Saddle 

Dinosaur Eyelids/Connie’s Ric Rac 

Kicking Sunrise/The Barbary 

Friday/January 26th 

Blue October/World Cafe Live 

Destroyer/Underground Arts 

Umphrey’s McGee/The Fillmore 

The Devil Makes Three/Electric Factory 

Typhoon/Union Transfer 

Big Head Todd & The Monsters/TLA 

Sunflower Beam/Everybody Hits 

Elephante/NOTO 

YBN Nahmir/Coda 

Octave Cat/Johnny Brenda’s 

Saturday/January 27th 

Cashmere Cat/MØ/Darius/Electric Factory 

DMX/TLA 

The O’Jays/Sugarhouse Casino 

Keys N Krates/District N9ne

J Roddy Walston/Xfinity Live! 

Granger Smith/The Trocadero 

The Infamous Stringdusters/Union Transfer 

DJ Rectangle/NOTO 

Naked Gun/Boot & Saddle 

Resilient/Kung Fu Necktie 

Dee-1/The Foundry 

Dirty Soap/Bourbon & Branch 

Sunday/January 28th 

Howie Day/World Cafe Live 

The Wood Brothers/Union Transfer 

The Pietasters/Kung Fu Necktie 

Monday/January 29th 

Benjamin Clemente/TLA 

Ego Frost/Voltage Lounge 

Tuesday/January 30th 

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club/Union Transfer 

Yoke Lore/Johnny Brenda’s 

Wednesday/January 31st 

Kimbra/Union Transfer 

The Wonder Years/Boot & Saddle 

Princess Nokia/Coda 

Big Wreck/The Foundry 

Jen Cloher/Johnny Brenda’s 

Thursday/February 1st 

Neck Deep/CREEPER/Electric Factory 

Sam Lachow/The Barbary 

Billy Strings/The Fillmore 

Kodiak Park/Boot & Saddle 

Lola Pistola/Kung Fu Necktie 

Johnny Showcase/Franky Bradley’s 

Friday/February 2nd 

Emancipator/TLA 

KAYZO/The Fillmore 

The Builders and The Butchers/Johnny Brenda’s 

Igorr/Voltage Lounge 

Anna Meredith/The Foundry 

Crankdat/NOTO 

The High Divers/Milkboy Philly 

Des Demonas/Kung Fu Necktie 

Night Windows/Boot & Saddle 

Saturday/February 3rd 

Corrosion of Conformity/Electric Factory 

Enter Shikari/Union Transfer 

G. Love & Special Sauce/The Fillmore 

Brett Young/TLA 

Flint Eastwood/CODA

Nude Party/Boot & Saddle 

Aurora Birch/Ortlieb’s 

Incognito Theory/The Trocadero 

Cosmo Baker/NOTO 

Sunday/February 4th 

The Radio Dept./Union Transfer 

Mod Sun/Voltage Lounge 

Death of Lovers/PhilaMOCA 

Monday/February 5th 

The Dangerous Summer/The Foundry 

Skull/Kung Fu Necktie 

John Ciotta/Resorts Atlantic City 

Tuesday/February 6th 

Jay Electronica/Union Transfer 

John Oates/World Cafe Live 

Diana Gordon/Balcony Bar @The Trocadero 

BL spitz/Kung Fu Necktie Upstairs 

Wednesday/February 7th

Aqueous and Papadosio/Union Transfer 

The Funk Hunters/World Cafe Live 

Knifeplay/Ortlieb’s 

Joanna Teters/Johnny Brenda’s 

Thursday/February 8th 

Machine Head/TLA 

Why?/Union Transfer 

Yung Lean/The Foundry 

Dwight Yoakam/Parx Casino 

Radio Moscow/Kung Fu Necktie 

Devvon Terrell/Coda

Friday/February 9th 

112/Jon B/Harrah’s Atlantic City 

NF/The Fillmore 

Datsik/Electric Factory 

múm/Union Transfer 

Syleena Johnson/World Cafe Live 

Shredders/Underground Arts 

Busty And The Bass/The Foundry 

The Lil’ Smokies/Boot & Saddle 

Trash Boy/The Barbary 

Saturday/February 10th 

Mr. Popper’s Penguins/Merriam Theater 

First Aid Kit/Union Transfer 

Asking Alexandria/Electric Factory 

Lauv/The Foundry 

York Street Hustle/Boot & Saddle 

Matt Roach/World Cafe Live 

Sunday/February 11th 

Steve Aoki/Desiigner/The Fillmore 

MC Shaun/Marley Mal/Mc Lyte/Electric Factory 

Youngr/The Foundry 

Monday/February 12th 

Alex and The Kaleidoscope/Visitation BVM School 

Tuesday/February 13th 

Waitress/Forrest Theater 

Phillip Phillips/Union Transfer 

ZZ Ward/TLA 

Occvita/Boot & Saddle 

Wednesday/February 14th 

Two Feet/Coda 

Milo/Kung Fu Necktie 

The Academic/The Foundry 

Strange Machines/Milkboy Philly 

Thursday/February 15th 

X Ambassadors/The Fillmore 

Justin Nozuka/Underground Arts 

Porches/Union Transfer 

Ganja White Knight/Electric Factory 

Trash Boy/The Barbary 

Friday/February 16th 

Galactic/The Fillmore 

Stick To Your Guns/TLA 

American Nightmare/Union Transfer 

Bardo Pond/Johnny Brenda’s 

Crankdat/Premier Nightclub 

Saturday/February 17th 

BØRNS/Charlotte Cardin/Mikky Ekko/Electric Factory 

John Petrucci/Kimmel Center 

The Commodores/Parx Casino 

Creepoid/Union Transfer 

The Atlas Moth/Voltage Lounge 

Rockers Galore/Underground Arts 

Daniel Donato/Bourbon & Branch 

Sunday/February 18th 

Boyz 11 Men/Borgata Event Center 

Born of Osiris/Ocean Grove/TLA 

Picturesque/Union Transfer 

Los Amigos Invisibles/The Foundry 

Monday/February 19th 

Of Mice & Men/The Trocadero 

Intervals/The Foundry 

These Streets/Voltage Lounge 

Tuesday/February 20th 

Gin Blossoms/World Cafe Live 

K. Michelle/The Fillmore 

Molotov/The Trocadero 

Harriet Alargunsoro/Steve Miller/Wells Fargo Center 

Wednesday/February 21st 

STRFKR/Union Transfer 

Peter White/South 

Thursday/February 22nd 

Dimitri Vegas/NOTO 

Eli Young Band/TLA 

Soulection/Joe Kay/Coda 

Friday/February 23rd 

Luke Bryan/Boardwalk Hall 

AWOLNATION/The Fillmore 

Kid Rock/Wells Fargo Center 

dvsn/TLA 

3LAU/NOTO 

Lane 8/Union Transfer 

Saturday/February 24th 

Quinn XC11/TLA 

The Oh Hellos/Union Transfer 

Boysetsfire/Underground Arts 

Yndi Halda/Kung Fu Necktie 

Siravo/The Barbary 

DJ Scene/NOTO 

Sunday/February 25th 

Jonathan Richman/Union Transfer 

Chase Atlantic/TLA 

Monday/February 26th 

Frightened Rabbit/Underground Arts 

Doyle/Voltage Lounge 

Tuesday/February 27th 

Rhye/Union Transfer 

Gabrielle Aplin/The Foundry 

Wednesday/February 28th 

i.d.k./Denzel Curry/The Fillmore 

The Mowgli’s/The Foundry 

Thursday/March 1st 

Mako/Underground Arts 

Exmag/Coda 

WOLF/Milkboy Philly 

Joe Kenney/Warmdaddy’s 

Friday/March 2nd 

Futuristic/Coda 

Dermot Kennedy/Underground Arts 

Wallows/The Foundry 

Kolars and Escondido/Boot & Saddle 

Vista Kicks/Kung Fu Necktie 

Saturday/March 3rd 

Tee Grizzley/The Fillmore 

LP/TLA 

Bruno Major/Johnny Brenda’s 

Measha Brueggergosman/Kimmel Center 

Bazmati Vice/Bourbon & Branch 

Sunday/March 4th 

Through the Roots/TLA 

MISSIO/The Foundry 

Shopping/Johnny Brenda’s 

Voces8/World Cafe Live 

Monday/March 5th 

Arlie/Johnny Brenda’s 

The Philadelphia Moth Storyslam/World Cafe Live 

Tuesday/March 6th 

Spoon/TLA 

Sabaton and Kreator/The Fillmore 

Ella Vos/The Foundry 

Julian Lage/Johnny Brenda’s 

Wednesday/March 7th

Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark/TLA 

Caye and Somo/The Foundry 

Adrianne Lenker/Johnny Brenda’s 

Milk & Bone/Kung Fu Necktie 

Parsonsfield/Boot & Saddle 

Thursday/March 8th 

Ezra Furman/Underground Arts 

Kool Keith/Kung Fu Necktie 

Galactic Empire/The Foundry 

The Low Anthem/Johnny Brenda’s 

Friday/March 9th 

Nada Surf/World Cafe Live 

Steve Winwood/Tower Theatre 

Jonathan Wilson/Boot & Saddle 

Crooked Colours/The Foundry 

Saturday/March 10th 

Excision/The Fillmore

MercyMe/Liacouras Center 

J Boog/The Foundry 

Crazy Town/Voltage Lounge 

Alive ’75/World Cafe Live 

Sunday/March 11th 

Beth Ditto/Union Transfer 

Amy Shark/The Foundry 

Michael Schenker/TLA 

Skinny Lister/Underground Arts 

Monday/March 12th 

Foreigner/Sands Bethlehem Entertainment Center 

Tuesday/March 13th 

Saint WKND/The Foundry 

Wednesday/March 14th 

Godspeed You!/Black Emperor/Union Transfer 

The Coasts/The Foundry 

Thursday/March 15th

Anaïs Mitchell/Boot & Saddle 

Jon Batiste/TLA 

Unit 3 Deep/South 

Generators/Kung Fu Necktie 

Friday/March 16th 

G-Eazy/Borgata Event Center 

Nightwish/Electric Factory 

Nightmares On Wax/Underground Arts 

Judah & The Lion/The Foundry 

Moose Blood/TLA 

Autograf/The Foundry 

Tall Heights/The Fillmore 

Lightninging & Jounce/Ortlieb’s 

Saturday/March 17th 

Blake Shelton/Trace Adkins/Wells Fargo Center 

Mat Kearney/The Fillmore 

Nils Frahm/Union Transfer 

Brasstracks/The Foundry 

Jamie McLean Band/World Cafe Live 

Sunday/March 18th 

K. Flay/Union Transfer 

Reggie & The Full Effect/Household/TLA 

Earthless/Underground Arts 

Jean-Yves Thibaudet/Philadelphia Orchestra/Yannick Nézet-Séguin/Kimmel Center 

The Elevaters/The Foundry 

Monday/March 19th 

BIG K.R.I.T./Union Transfer 

Cover photo courtesy of The Fillmore Philadelphia 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Philly Weekend Entertainment Groove

While the weather outside is frightful once again…..

….the local and legendary events on this weekend’s fierce and festive list will make you feel oh, so delightful. 

Ready, set, eggnog. 

For the kid ages one-to-ninety-two in your life, there’s the always lit Christmas Village (1501 JFK Blvd.) which is delightfully surrounded by ice-skating at City Hall (through February 25th) tons of locally made snacks and goodies, local-made Philly Holiday Gift Show (there’s an ugly Christmas sweater store that you must go to), magnificent carousel, a grand 50 foot tall Christmas tree, but most importantly…lots of fun for every one of all ages…including you!

The Blue Cross RiverRink Winterfest is also in full skate at (101) Columbus Blvd through March 4th, and with grub served up from Garces Group and Chickie’s and Pete’s as well as spectacular views of the Ben Franklin Bridge and waaay beyond, it’s sure to warm your holiday spirit all season long! Go here for more ho, ho, ho action.

Not that the beloved Philly holiday tradition of the Macy’s Christmas Light Show needs any introduction since you’ve seen it forty times already, but for those who haven’t, the stunning lights are now warming your holiday spirit right oh, so high atop the Grand Atrium at Macy’s Center City (1300 Market St.) through December 31st beginning from 10 a.m to 8 p.m every two hours! Let’s twinkle. 

Franklin Square Holiday Festival A fabulous mix of lighted Philadelphia history and simply stunning light show, this beloved Philly tradition (200 N. 6th St.) is sure to illuminate ya damn life all holiday season long. The Electrical Spectacle Light Show hosts free shows every 30 minutes between 4 and 8 p.m. on week nights and 4 and 9 p.m. on Fridays and Saturdays. And with 50,000 gleaming lights set on top of a blissful music background with one composition featuring an illuminated kite and key, this is one holiday event that even Mr. Benjamin Franklin himself would approve of. Bring the kids and don’t miss it!

ANNIE For the love of all things Sandy and “Tomorrow,” there’s simply no denying that it’s been a hard knock existence for all of us this year, so what better way to treat the whole family and go see this forever cherished Broadway musical while it’s in town through the Philly holiday season! There’s really nothing else to say here except that Daddy Warbucks, Ms. Hannigan, life and everyone’s favorite ginger curled cute, Ms. Annie, will be waiting for you! Tonight-Jan 7th, 2018/Walnut Street Theatre/Various ticket prices & showtimes/825 Walnut St.

DJ Jimmy DePre Ignore that shitty weather forecast and head over to Tavern on Camac tonight (and tomorrow night, too!) where the always yaaas Mr. DePre will be twirlin those cuts out just for you, bish. And please remember…dance floors are for dancing and not standing there on your phone. Scruff and Grind’r can wait. Tonight & Saturday night/Tavern on Camac/10 pm/243 S. Camac St. 

Lettuce Rejoice:Hedda’s Holiday Spectacular You betta…press play on some J.Hud because for one fabulous night only–the esteemeed Queen of Green herself–Ms. Hedda Lettuce, will be taking over Philly with a holiday spectacular that’s not to be missed, kween! Get ready for a fierce night of holigay cheer while Ms. Hedda’s rendition of some of your holiday favorites will be guaranteed to stuff your stocking! Now, sleigh. Tonight/$25/830 pm/Ruba Club/416 Green St. 

The Hoots and Hellmouth & Johnny Showcase Solstice Spectacle  Now, what could be better than a little Johnny Showcase music action during the holidays? Actually, wait, don’t answer that…just head over to Union Transfer tonight and witness this delightfully cray and eclectic 10 piece ensemble and take over your snow covered life as they celebrate the release of their soon-to-be smash fourth studio set. Read about it all about right here (like, right now) and then…grab those tickets like a kid at Christmas. Tonight/730 pm/Union Transfer/1026 Spring Garden St. 

Kingfisher/Will Brown/Evan Scheerer  Looking to warm things up a bit this weekend? Then head over to the Barbary tomorrow night where the one, two, three punch of these final local music acts will be armed and ready to heat it up for you and to help you forget all about today’s weather drama. Go right here for set times and ticket info and then…go. Saturday/7 pm/The Barbary/951 Frankford Ave 

Trans-Siberian Orchestra Does this one really need an explanation? Never. “Carol of the Bells” for holiday life. Sunday/Wells Fargo Center/730 pm/3601 South Broad St. 

Also on the local and legendary entertainment decks for your……

Friday……

Municipal Waste@The Trocadero(7 pm, 10003 Arch St.)………Trophy Eyes/Free Throw@The Fillmore(6 pm, 29 E. Allen St.)…………Ofenbach@Coda(8 pm, 1712 Walnut St.)……….The Dan Band@TLA(8 pm, 334 South St.)……Two Friends@NOTO(10 pm, 1209 Vine St.)……….Owel@Voltage Lounge(730 pm, 421 N. 7th St.)……….Muscle Tough@Johnny Brenda’s(9 pm, 1201 Frankford Ave)

Saturday…… 

Matisyhau@TLA(9 pm, 334 South St.)…………Converge@Union Transfer(830 pm, 1024 Spring Garden St.)………..Work Drugs@Boot&Saddle(8 pm, 1131 South Broad St.)…….Plumb@Tower Theatre(730 pm, 69th & Ludlow St.)………Marah@Underground Arts(9 pm, 1200 Callowhill St.)………Chynna@The Foundry(8 pm, 1000 Frankford Ave)……..Jesse Marco@NOTO(10 pm, 1209 Vine St.)…….DJ CYD@Coda(11 pm, 1712 Walnut St.) 

Sunday….

A Very Mary Christmas w/Mimi Imfurst@Ruba Club(7 pm, 416 Green St.)……..Sinful Sundays w/The Goddess Isis@Tabu(9 pm, 200 South 12th St.)……Showtunes Sundays@Tavern on Camac(9 pm, 243 S. Camac St.)……….Carmen Lundy@South(9 pm, 600 N. Broad St.)………Boy Named Banjo@Milkboy Philly(7 pm, 1100 Chestnut St.) 

Cover photo courtesy of VisitPhilly