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5 Ways Mariah Can Truly Get Back Into Our New Year’s Eve Graces

Oops, she’s about to do it……again. 

And no, we’re not spilling about Britney‘s soon-to-be legendary performance via Las Vegas for the (sigh..) final round of her Piece of Me residency at Planet Hollywood that’s also taking place during Dick Clark’s Rockin Eve tonight.

Of course, we’re talking about Mariah Carey’s takeover of the iconic New Year’s Eve stage once again, or “Take 2” as the diva called it on Twitter when this epic announcement was made a few weeks ago. Of course, this wasn’t just any ol’ announcement as it comes directly one year after MC’s, errr, performance (?) from last year didn’t go quite as exactly as planned.

But without adding salt to the 2016 wounds that just won’t heal no matter how much electroshock therapy we seek (with 2017 not being so great either, so thank you for that), let’s just say all kinds of fingers we’re being pointed and the world was left stunned about what they just saw happen on one of the biggest live television broadcasts in the world….one of the biggest live performance dumpster fire performances in pop culture history. 

So, with that being said, there’s really nothing we can do but press play on our #1’s collection and oh, so patiently wait to see how Mariah is about to get back into our New Year’s Eve graces once again. While there are many, many ways she can do it, here are five that are guaranteed to simply do it all and then some.

Also, may the hypothermia not be with you, Times Square-r’s because fucking brrrr and then some…Godspeed…and especially you, MC. 

1.Maybe make a little joke about…that?  We all know that Mariah has a wickedly weird sense of humor, but let’s face it, it’s more of in a bat shit crazy diva kind of way. (see…Mariah’s World). So, you know what would really be fucking downright hilarious and delightfully twisted? If MC came out and a began with a little botch with a quick “just kidding, bitch!” to follow complete with grand New Year’s Eve slay. Now, that would truly be legendary and would surely silence all of those pesky haters that never seem to go away no how hard she tries…and she really, really does, y’all. 

 

2.DO NOT do the same set as last year…..    While we’re pretty sure MC won’t serve us with the same set as last year (it was “Emotions,” well, sort of, and “We Belong Together” in case you were too busy pouring tea during that time to listen), this year’s performance is all about diva redemption, so there’s good a chance that just might happen. However, for the sake of burning our lips for the start of 2018, don’t do it..please. Because Lawd forbid if something should go awry, the window/soul shattering prowess of those hits will truly be lost forever. May we suggest “Touch My Body” to open and a dash of “Hero” to bring the house down? Or perhaps the ODB remix of “Fantasy” for the kids and a touch of “Vision of Love” for the kweens? Hell, we’d even take “All I Want For Christmas is You,” because why the fuck not?  You get the idea…anything but last year’s, um, performances. Let’s leave it all where it rightfully belongs…more buried than Downsizing at the box office.

3.Pours tea…..maybe adjust the tracks to fit your present vocal range….takes sip. Okay, sooooo…the problem isn’t that Mariah can’t sing….bish has got a massive collection of chart destroying hits with eighteen Billboard number one singles among them to prove it. Check that, nineteen now that “AIWFC” finally sleigh-ed its way to the top this year. (You betta werk for that 500k every December, boo!)

However, the problem is that Mariah can’t sing those mid-’90s high notes like she used to…it’s just that she doesn’t know that yet. Or maybe she does and is just to god damn humble to admit it. Whatever the music truth may be, if you’re going to serve us with a true live performance, adjust those vocals to fit your mid-’40s vocal range. It’s okay, gurl. Celine has been doing it for years (see…this) and Adele and Ariana will eventually be there someday as well because it’s a perfectly naturally occurrence when you’ve belting out those hits pretty much all of your damn life. So at the end of the day. Mizz Mariah, we’re not bothered by the fact you can’t hit those high notes anymore, so just give us what we came for tonight…you. 

4.If something….does go wrong…..please, please don’t act like a huge fucking diva.  Bottom line…no one, repeat…no one wants to hear how you “didn’t rehearse” or how you “need a vacation, too.” And we’re pretty sure your backup dancers don’t need you to tell them “just bring me down.” Yes, all of that indeed went down and then some during last year’s diva-stivities, and since we’re all big boys and girls now after surviving a year that’s been, well, a fucking year, here is all of it one more time like Britney in case a certain diva named Mariah needs a refresher course of what not to do if your performance flatlines in the front of the whole god damn world..again. Let us pray and clutch those pearls. 

5. Just get out there slay that shit, gurl…..   The whole entire world knows you can do it…you’re MC for fuck’s sake. Enough said. 

Happy New Year, everyone! Here’s to many, many diva-filled blessings in the next twelve months to come! 

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