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Britney Spears is Officially Back to Being a Pop Star, Bitch

At this point in her two decade lasting career, what can anybody really say about Britney Spears besides the fact that girlfriend has done–and been–through it all. 

Since her ’98 debut single, “…Baby One More Time,” Godney has been a schoolgirl, a red leather-ed catsuit-ed up tweenage space vixen, a jungle princess with a python named Banana, made out and went against the music with Madonna, served us iconic moves for all of music eternity, shaved her head, lost her shit/life, made us see the music light with Blackout, brought us into her Circus and took us on her Femme Fatale owned dance floor.

And then there’s “Ooh La La,” Britney Jean and “Pretty Girls.” 

Not to mention, she’s had countless gentlemen suitors (ahem, JT) and two failed marriages–Jason Alexander and KFed, the latter of whom is baby daddy to Brit Brit’s two sons, Jayden James and Sean Preston, the sole reasons why she’s currently workin’ hard and bein’ a Las Vegas reigning momma.

And now, Ms. Britney Bitch has her own Emoji. So, is there anything left?

There most certainly is and that’s evidently clear in Spears’ ravenous ninth studio set, Glory, a bedroom ready romp that’s silky, smooth and the most important part–the diva’s first solid pop record (plus, she’s having fun again, kids!) in years, which more than proves that she’s got plenty of pop starlet prowess to go around. 

The first thing that should be dually noted is that gone are those hardcore “Work Bitch” beats that we’ve come to know and love from Godney (besides..EDM is like so 2014, right Ms. Grande’s “Break Free?), and in their place is a buffet of slow popped beats, which are provided mostly by producers Mattman & Robin (Selena Gomez, Nick Jonas)that perfectly accompany Britney’s breathy coo-s and come hither sighs. In fact, her voice has never sounded more confident (you listening, Demi?) and more ready than ever before. By the way, if you’re still bothered by the fact Britney will never be a strong singer, get out of 1998 because you’re still all up in it. We know this, man. 

Among the Glory highlights is the welcoming synthe-d up opener, “Invitation” the far out, “Man on the Moon” and the rasta-fied “Slumber Party” will make you want to pass it to the left and then get it done all night long. And although very similarly titled, the Gomez-esque “Just Like Me” and true standout, “Just Luv Me” are two tracks we’re glad those other gals didn’t take on because they’re all wrapped in Brit Brit’s one-of-a-kind sassy style. 

There’s also lead single “Make Me,” which will make you werk both in and out of the bedroom, as will the slinky “Love Me Down,” and the jazzy “Private Show,” that is if you can forget the fact that Britney’s voice has never sounded so ridiculously nasally on a track, but because of the mid-tempo tone of the album, somehow it all makes sense. Now pull those curtain closed, bitch…we’ve got some work to do. 

Of course, since this is our beloved dance floor savior we’re spilling about here, she’s still mighty thirsty to take us way out on that coveted dance floor of life (but not too parched…thank the fucking Godney queens above for that), with the solar powered “Clumsy” and “Do You Wanna Come Over?,” which are already more than ripe for the pickin'(y’all) for the legendary diva’s Piece of Me spectacle, which we’re certain will most likely run until the year 2056. 

But if you’re still not convinced as to why you should welcome Glory onto your Labor Day weekend playlists and beyond, listen to the gospel tinged (yes, you read that correctly) “What You Need” the electrified “Coupere Electrique” (that’s French, right?)  and the “La Isla Bonita” channeling, “Change Your Mind(No Seas Cortes).” While, yas, all three are a little bit out there, but each Godney groove still proves that the pop princess we longed to have back into our lives after going through..all of that...has finally like Ms. Ce Ce god damn Peniston returned to reclaim her pop music crown…and then some. 

You may slip into Ms. Britney Spears’ ninth studio album, Glory, right about…now. 

 

 

 

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Britney Groove of the Day/”Breathe on Me”

“Monogamy is the way to go/Just put your lips together and blow,” coos Ms. Britney on the bubbling middle breakdown of “Breathe on Me.” A deep house influenced track taken from her (second best) album, In the Zone, the steamy dance pop serenade wasn’t released as an official single, but it still remains a favorite Britney groove among many fans. The legendary diva has also performed the bedroom ready number on a handful of her tours including 2004’s The Onyx Hotel Tour, 2007’s The M+M’s Tour (sigh), and 2008’s The Circus Starring Britney Spears

But the best performance of “Breathe On Me” came back in 2003 when our girl stopped by ABC and served us with Britney Spears:In the Zone, a two-hour long special that took us deep inside the sexy world of her fourth studio set. All eyes were certainly on Brit Brit as she returned from her post-Justin Timberlake hiatus (and a few months after she lip locked with Madonna), delivering a special that showed her dancing her ass off, laying down the riff of “Everytime” on the “piana,” and serving up a performance of soon to be second In the Zone single “Toxic” that no one will ever forget. (Don’t worry, it’s here, too.)

However, once she took the stage for “Breathe on Me,” there was no denying that our girl had returned to own it once again with a performance that was every bit as sexy as it was scandalous. You just have to watch….one more time…it will make your Tuesday and then some. 

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Britney Groove of the Day/”Everybody”

In just two days, our beloved Britney Spears will be celebrating her 34th (!) birthday, a day in which some many regard (ahem, myself) regard as a treasured national holiday. 

When it comes to the mysteriously mystical career of Ms. Britney, we could certainly spill tea all day–those outfits, those performances, the Justin Timberlake and Adnan Ghalib eras. But what it always comes down to is her insatiable catalog of pop soaked hits that always get us hitting the dance floor of life in our bedroom whenever they pop on. From “Baby One More Time” to “Oops” to “Slave” to ‘Gimme” to “Womanizer,” all Britney fans can agree that there’s not a song in that bunch that doesn’t, um, drive us crazy and get us clutching our Godney music pearls for dear life. 

Since it’s a proven study that 1 out of every 3 girl and gay listens to Britney on a daily basis, I decided to go a different route as we kick off Britney week and serve up a selection of Jaime Lynn approved grooves that are not only each slices of pure pulsating pop music heaven within themselves, but are Spears serenades that should have been huge hits, like “Everybody,” a delightfully grimy gem from Britney’s brilliant Blackout record. 

What makes “Everybody” oh, so special is not the thunderous J.T. Rotem cooked up beat or Britney’s middle rap breakdown (“let go of the way things used to be,” yas, girl. ), but it’s that it deliciously samples the classic Eurythmics tune, “Sweet Dreams(Are Made of This),” to perfection, all making the devilish dance ditty one of the best tracks that Britney’s ever recorded…like, ever. 

For those who’ve heard it, you certainly know why. For those who haven’t, well, you better get to work on “Everybody,” bitch. 

Happy Britney week!