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5 Ways That Might Get (Some Of) Us Back Into American Horror Story…..All Season Long

Before we get started with this little American Horror Story shade/truth throw just in time for the premiere of the oh, so fucking mysterious sixth installment, let’s take a little poll, shall we?

Now, raise your hand if you watched last season’s Hotel and could sit around and spill with Ms. Lange, Ms. Paulson, Ms. Bassett, and of course, Mizz Conroy, and could recall the details at the drop of a body like Elle Woods and Days of Our Lives? Now, how about Freak Show? If you raised you’re hand both times….it’s all liessssss like Ms. Kathy Bates….because as per research and those oh, so pesky dwindling ratings, chances are, you’ve watched maybe one or four episodes and then just….stopped.

But motherfucking knotty pine and Jesus H Christ on a stick (right Ms. Fiona and Ms. Constance?)….here we go..again.

Yes, in just a few short moments of our lives, Mr. Ryan Murphy and his talented cast including Sarah Paulson, Angela Bassett, Matt Bomer, Kathy Bates and Ms. Lady Gaga are back for round six…and none of us have any idea what’s about to go down like, at all.

But what do we know is the days when everyone and their drag mother tuned in to watch the shade on Coven have already begun to feel like a delectable distant memory. And the days of the wonderfully weird Asylum and the campy, yet cray Murder House? They feel like so long ago that it’ll make you want to run out and inject yourself with Ms. Goode’s delightfully deadly anti aging serum…right now

But if there’s one thing any long time fan of AHS (because…we try) knows heading into this installment is that we’re more desperate than Ms. Teri Hatcher to tune in maybe, just maybe all god damn season long.

So, here it is all broke down and things to get me, you, and all of us hooked on AHS and living for our Balenciaga!! lives once again. 

1.This theme guessing game is great, but get to the point….right away. 765. That’s the number of promotional videos and teasers that have surfaced ever since the new (?????) season was announced. Texas Chainsaw People, Alien abductions, Annabelle, corn field and mysterious colony people…oh, motherfucking my. It looks like all of the answers are there…somewhere. While it’s indeed it’s seems a move more shakier than the vocals on Ms. Gaga’s “Perfect Illusion,” it also shows that the writers might actually…..get it.. and maybe just maybe (??????) have come up with something wickedly delightful once again. But just one thing, don’t just stand there, let’s get to it, otherwise will be vogueing towards Coven on Netflix in no time at all. 

2.A little less “WTF?” and a little more “Oh, okay” is always a good idea. This one is simple….all of these seasons are connected…there’s lots going on in every season….let’s get to the point of it all a bit quicker…without…the rest of it. Now, pass the martini, please, filthy, and get yourself a Diet Sprite. 

3.Perhaps a lighter tone this year? But not too much… If there’s one thing that AHS is good at, it’s serving up….some of the darkest underlying tones that ever graced television-heads in a box, bitches with two heads man, bitches who flip over a bus full of frat boys, man–there’s certainly nothing AHS hasn’t provided us with since its glorious debut in 2011.

Of course, those earlier seasons on top of all that American Horror were a bit lighter of sorts—really, how fucking cute was the demon baby at the end of Murder House...by the way…where is he??????? Of course, as dark as Asylum was, there was just something about Chloe Sevigny crawling deformed with no legs on a children’s playground…and every time Sister Mary Eunice’s possessed nun self came on screen….pure fucking bliss.

Coven takes the camp cake with its classic shade  (“It is trash,” oh, wait, oops, “She done messed with the wrong witch” Yas, Ms. Bassett) And Freak Show and Hotel, well, that’s some deep shit that we won;t even get into here…because I became a victim of the AHS–I don’t give a fuck after three episodes-itis…and I hope that will change tonight…and perhaps a lighter, shadier tone just might tune this one time AHS Supreme fan back in. 

4.People like to have sex….we get it. Now, stop and get…back to that story. While knocking them boots has always been a big part of the AHS world (right, Ms. Britton and Rubber Man?), last year, things got a little out of hand with all of that horizontal and then some between, like, everyone, which ultimately made the season feel like some kind demented version of Nip/Tuck starring Hypodermic Sally, which is certainly what not we, um, came for. Hey, sex is natural, sex is fun, but sometimes it’s not for everyone, especially on a show that’s hanging on with some fans, okay, most by the hairs of Kathy Bates Freak Show bearded lady’s chinny, chin, chin. And if this season doesn’t scale it back just a lil’ bit (of course, you can stay, Mr. Bomer) we’re all going to have a new time for the nasty..Wednesday nights at 10 o’clock and for a good solid hour. 

5.Bring back Jessica Lange….please? Okay, this one might be a bit of stretch being that it’s never going to happy like Gretchen Wieners and “fetch,” but since the details this season are wrapped in more mystery than trying to figure out if Britney actually wants to be there, you truly never know. But if this season is truly the beginning of the end (you know how..all of it connects…sigh) of AHS (which it ultimately and most certainly will be if it doesn’t), we will have Ms.Lange back into our lives soon enough when she stars as Joan Crawford alongside Susan Sarandon as Bette Davis in FX’s upcoming Feud. Hey, at least we’ll have at least Mr. Murphy to show forward to. And yes, all the shade, to Scream Queens as well because no and because we just want the AHS that once was back into our “surprise, bitch” lives once again.

Is that too much to ask, Mr. Murphy? Pretty girl doesn’t think so. 

 

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Mixtape Music News

1.Rihanna just had an exclusive listening party (or something like that.) for her new album…

After what has felt like years of anticipation (wait, it has.), Rihanna finally announced the title of her eighth studio album-and it’s definitely not called R8 like we’ve been teased with. No, her long-awaited new set will be called Anti, and will be served to us sometime during the busy holiday shopping season. 

Last night while also dropping the album’s cover art, the diva hosted an invitation-only event in Los Angeles, and The Guardian just happened to be there to get the whole experience. In the must read piece, Rihanna5 Things We Learned From Her Invite-Only Album Event, the publication went on to say that the new album will have a more artistic feel, and that the exclusive event had really nothing to do with RiRi’s long-awaited new material, saying, “this felt like an event almost separate from the album itself, a campaign with no real focus being spun into some sort of anti-establishment art project.”

However they did still mention that Rihanna still has that ultimate pop star presence, and that “there’s still something electric about Rihanna’s couldn’t-give-a-shit attitude.” 

2.Just how is that Spotify Discover Weekly playlist doing? 

Are you discovering Spotify’s Monday morning Discover Weekly playlists?  Actually, you are.

Earlier this morning, the streaming service announced that 1 billion songs have so far been streamed from the automated playlists, which are tailored to each listeners’ music vibes and served up every Monday morning with your coffee and Red Bull. 

In fact, those billion tracks(that’s all?) add up to about $7 million in royalties, and Spotify also said 71 percent of Discover Weekly listeners saved at least one track to their own playlists and 60 percent of DW users go on to stream at leave five of the tracks.

“A billion thank yous to all of the music fans who listen, discover and share music and artists every day through Discover Weekly — the entire Spotify team behind DW is overwhelmed with this amazing response!” the company noted on its official website.

 

3.Beyonce’s father is teaching a class on how not to be the Michelle…

By now we all know who Mathew Knowles is-he’s the man who blessed us with Destiny’s Child…and Beyoncé..

Now, Knowles–who still directs the business likings of Destiny’s Child–is offering a one-day workshop called “The Entertainment Industry: How Do I Get In?” on Oct. 24 at Hobby Center, Houston’s (where the girls of DC and Beyoncé are from.) performing arts complex. 

Aiming towards helping guiding all “aspiring singers, dancers, composers, writers, producers, managers, publicists, attorneys, business managers and all other entertainment industry hopefuls” in the right direction, Knowles second taught seminar on the subject should another one that no one will ever forget. 

 

4.Taylor swifts owns the cover of November’s GQ…..

Sporting a skin-tight nude dress with on point “walk of shame” hair, Taylor Swift is owning next month’s cover of iconic men’s lifestyle magazine, GQ.

The cover story, titled “Taylor Swift Owns the World,” was written by famed critic and novelist Chuck Klosterman, and will hit newsstands next week.

 

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5.Ryan Murphy spills all kinds of AHS Hotel tea with EW…..

After last night’s “spooky-wooky” (you just have to.) premiere of the much-hyped AHS Hotel, there’s no need to argue that Ryan Murphy’s award-winning anthology series is back. Titled, “Checkin’ In,” the premiere episode was Paulson-atingly packed with sex, drugs, Gaga and “Liz Taylor,” last night’s episode will certainly have us coming back for more next week.

The debut episode also welcomed us into the Hotel Cortez, a building that hosts vampires, fucked up ghosts, horny bloodsuckers, things that live in mattresses, (and room 33, apparently) incredible modern art, and one demon armed with that sex toy. 

EW spilled all kind of AHS Hotel tea with co-creator Ryan Murphy, and the horror mastermind dished on it all, including whether or not Mother Monster will respond to his offer to return for another go around. 

Break an AHS tea mug right here. 

 

 

 

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Your Official AHS:Hotel Playlist

Here….we…..go. 

It seems like just yesterday that we all got served with the news that Ms. Stefani Germanotta-aka the one-and-only, Lady Gaga–would be taking the diva helm on the fifth delightfully murky merry-go-round that is FX’s, American Horror Story.  Just to refresh your memory, (lol.) Gaga has signed on play Elizabeth-aka The Countess-who is the whore-y, sophisticated, blood sucking owner of the “spooky-wooky” Hotel Cortez, which is the setting for all of the AHS shenanigans that will be taking place this season.

Since signing on, we’ve seen lots of Gaga and her diamond pasties gettin’ it on and working hard to maybe, possibly helping us wash away the “ugh” memory of last season. (no need to go into detail.) Well..now the time has arrived to see if Lady Gaga is going to be that bitch this season and keep it all chugging along to (hopefully) having us live for another round of AHS.

(Btw…Ms Lange…please don’t think that we betrayed you…love, everybody.)

So while we’ve certainly gotten dished with all of The Countess details until we see the blood thirsty love game playing diva live and in Ryan Murphy, we’ll just have to wait it out together and throw it down to a playlist of Sarah Paulson approved AHS Hotel grooves(because she seems fun like that, go on Ms. Hypodermic.) including such hotel lobby bangers as Cassidy & R Kelly’s “Hotel,” Pitbull’s “Hotel Room Service, ” and Chingy’s Forgot About Friday classic,”Holidae Inn.” Of course, we just have to put our paws up for both Elvis Presley and Whitney Houston’s (and Faith and Kelly, too.) takes on “Heartbreak Hotel” that will always get the #GagaAHSHotel party started. 

But of course, no AHS Hotel Playlist wouldn’t be complete without some of Gaga’s finest werk, including earlier smashes, “Just Dance,” “Poker Face,” “Lovegame,” and later cuts, “Born This Way,””Fashion,”  (not the Artpop one.) “Applause,”(naturally.) and the perfectly fitting Red One produced banger, “Monster.” 

Who’s ready?