Before we get started with this little American Horror Story shade/truth throw just in time for the premiere of the oh, so fucking mysterious sixth installment, let’s take a little poll, shall we?
Now, raise your hand if you watched last season’s Hotel and could sit around and spill with Ms. Lange, Ms. Paulson, Ms. Bassett, and of course, Mizz Conroy, and could recall the details at the drop of a body like Elle Woods and Days of Our Lives? Now, how about Freak Show? If you raised you’re hand both times….it’s all liessssss like Ms. Kathy Bates….because as per research and those oh, so pesky dwindling ratings, chances are, you’ve watched maybe one or four episodes and then just….stopped.
But motherfucking knotty pine and Jesus H Christ on a stick (right Ms. Fiona and Ms. Constance?)….here we go..again.
Yes, in just a few short moments of our lives, Mr. Ryan Murphy and his talented cast including Sarah Paulson, Angela Bassett, Matt Bomer, Kathy Bates and Ms. Lady Gaga are back for round six…and none of us have any idea what’s about to go down like, at all.
But what do we know is the days when everyone and their drag mother tuned in to watch the shade on Coven have already begun to feel like a delectable distant memory. And the days of the wonderfully weird Asylum and the campy, yet cray Murder House? They feel like so long ago that it’ll make you want to run out and inject yourself with Ms. Goode’s delightfully deadly anti aging serum…right now
But if there’s one thing any long time fan of AHS (because…we try) knows heading into this installment is that we’re more desperate than Ms. Teri Hatcher to tune in maybe, just maybe all god damn season long.
So, here it is all broke down and things to get me, you, and all of us hooked on AHS and living for our Balenciaga!! lives once again.
1.This theme guessing game is great, but get to the point….right away. 765. That’s the number of promotional videos and teasers that have surfaced ever since the new (?????) season was announced. Texas Chainsaw People, Alien abductions, Annabelle, corn field and mysterious colony people…oh, motherfucking my. It looks like all of the answers are there…somewhere. While it’s indeed it’s seems a move more shakier than the vocals on Ms. Gaga’s “Perfect Illusion,” it also shows that the writers might actually…..get it.. and maybe just maybe (??????) have come up with something wickedly delightful once again. But just one thing, don’t just stand there, let’s get to it, otherwise will be vogueing towards Coven on Netflix in no time at all.
2.A little less “WTF?” and a little more “Oh, okay” is always a good idea. This one is simple….all of these seasons are connected…there’s lots going on in every season….let’s get to the point of it all a bit quicker…without…the rest of it. Now, pass the martini, please, filthy, and get yourself a Diet Sprite.
3.Perhaps a lighter tone this year? But not too much… If there’s one thing that AHS is good at, it’s serving up….some of the darkest underlying tones that ever graced television-heads in a box, bitches with two heads man, bitches who flip over a bus full of frat boys, man–there’s certainly nothing AHS hasn’t provided us with since its glorious debut in 2011.
Of course, those earlier seasons on top of all that American Horror were a bit lighter of sorts—really, how fucking cute was the demon baby at the end of Murder House...by the way…where is he??????? Of course, as dark as Asylum was, there was just something about Chloe Sevigny crawling deformed with no legs on a children’s playground…and every time Sister Mary Eunice’s possessed nun self came on screen….pure fucking bliss.
Coven takes the camp cake with its classic shade (“It is trash,” oh, wait, oops, “She done messed with the wrong witch” Yas, Ms. Bassett) And Freak Show and Hotel, well, that’s some deep shit that we won;t even get into here…because I became a victim of the AHS–I don’t give a fuck after three episodes-itis…and I hope that will change tonight…and perhaps a lighter, shadier tone just might tune this one time AHS Supreme fan back in.
4.People like to have sex….we get it. Now, stop and get…back to that story. While knocking them boots has always been a big part of the AHS world (right, Ms. Britton and Rubber Man?), last year, things got a little out of hand with all of that horizontal and then some between, like, everyone, which ultimately made the season feel like some kind demented version of Nip/Tuck starring Hypodermic Sally, which is certainly what not we, um, came for. Hey, sex is natural, sex is fun, but sometimes it’s not for everyone, especially on a show that’s hanging on with some fans, okay, most by the hairs of Kathy Bates Freak Show bearded lady’s chinny, chin, chin. And if this season doesn’t scale it back just a lil’ bit (of course, you can stay, Mr. Bomer) we’re all going to have a new time for the nasty..Wednesday nights at 10 o’clock and for a good solid hour.
5.Bring back Jessica Lange….please? Okay, this one might be a bit of stretch being that it’s never going to happy like Gretchen Wieners and “fetch,” but since the details this season are wrapped in more mystery than trying to figure out if Britney actually wants to be there, you truly never know. But if this season is truly the beginning of the end (you know how..all of it connects…sigh) of AHS (which it ultimately and most certainly will be if it doesn’t), we will have Ms.Lange back into our lives soon enough when she stars as Joan Crawford alongside Susan Sarandon as Bette Davis in FX’s upcoming Feud. Hey, at least we’ll have at least Mr. Murphy to show forward to. And yes, all the shade, to Scream Queens as well because no and because we just want the AHS that once was back into our “surprise, bitch” lives once again.
Is that too much to ask, Mr. Murphy? Pretty girl doesn’t think so.