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6 Reasons Why We’re $o Ready to Toast All of Our Pink Rosé to the 9th Season of ‘RHOBH’

“Deceitful.” 

Yes, that was the fancy mug shatter heard across the daytime T.V. world and beyond when the most fabulous Kyle Richards was asked to sum up the impending (drama filled!) 9th season of ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills‘ on a recent morning sit with Live with Kelly and Ryan

And anyone who’s seen the trailer (how many times have you watched today?) certainly knows by know that some xxxpensive drama and shit is indeed about to go down….and it all stiletto steps into our wanna be luxxxurious lives tonight at 9 pm on Bravo

Because, let’s face it, when it comes to this group of fabulous California gurls–Kyle Richards, Lisa Vanderpump, Erika Jayne, Teddi Cougar Mellencamp Ryan, Denise Richards(!!), Dorit “Beverly Beach” Kemsley, and of course, Ms. Lisa “let’s-talk-about-your-arrest” Rinna (more wigs and table dancing this season, please), we’re just so ready to cash in all of our checks and get down with them not just on the Louboutin served dance floor of life, but in our continued fantasies to be just like them…because we really, really want to be. 

So, here’s six reasons why we’re beyond fucking ready to toast all of our life savings and fancy pink Rosé to what’s going to be a most “deceitful” and most fabulous 9th season of ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.’ 

1.Hello, Denise Richards… Is she?? Isn’t she?? O….m…..f…..g….she is!! Yas, when the news was served that the Charlie Sheen survivor/Wild Things icon (and robbed of all the awards, thank you very much) was joining the BH beauties, kweens across the Bravo universes were glittered with delight that we might get a tea as to what Neve Campbell was like filming that scene that we shall mention here because this article is too gay to function for that.

While it looks like we might not get a shattered mug of an answer to that elusive question, we do know that Denise has arrived, and already has the girls drooling (right, Ms. Erika?) over her scruff-alicious new husband, Aaaron Phypers. Plus, she’s got xxxpensive beef with Kim!! Yes. Oh, and the moment in the trailer Mizz Richards emerges from the ocean (not so) subtly referencing Wild Things with a nod to Christmas Jones, the “nuclear physicist” she played in The World is Not Enough? Even more priceless than having us believing she was actually a...nuclear physicist. Either way, welcome Denise Richards, we’re just, like, beyond f@#king ready for your arrival. Let’s toast her up. 

2.The rise of Teddi? All Meghan McCain feuds aside (spilled tea is spilled tea…let’s leave it in season eight, please), Meg Ryan’s stepdaughter had a not-so-fancy first season with the ladies. When Dorit wasn’t constantly telling Teddi how busy she always was (sips tea), it was clear that some of the gals had a hard time actually believing in her work as an accountability coach.

Listen, ALL…..any strong woman (and Mom to two precious ones!!) who helps other people get their shit together always better betta. But, yes, sigh…Teddi had a hard time fitting in…but then comes her “deceitful” season 9 sidekick, Kyle Richards??? According to that trailer and to Ms. Jayne, the two are accused of being in kahouts with one another about something, and from the looks of it in Teddi and Kyle’s (most likely buzzed) faces, she may be right. And if you put your diamond encrusted spectacles on and take an even closer look, Teddi is seen quite a bit taking a seat right next to Kyle so something must be up. Hmmm, maybe Teddi will be, um, accountable for the most shade thrown in season 9? We’re already looking at our watches in anticipation to it all. Oh, and Ms. Mellencamp‘s delish husband, Edwin?? He better betta as well…ay dios mio. See you tomorrow night, boo! We got you, Teddi. 

3.So…many….”Friends”….!!!!  Camille! Brandi! Kim! Holy shit! Who’s next, Adrienne? Yolanda?? Carlton??? Actually, no, these three RHOBH legends–aka “now friends of the housewives”–will be just enough to stir up the cauldron of drama that’s no doubt boiling over in the trailer. Now, we all know that Denise has an xxxpensive weave to pull with Kim, but did you see the shade (or Botox?) on Ms. Richard’s face when Brandi announced her grand “friends” return at one of the 75 parties we see the gals at? And seriously, how could you not love Camille after what she went through with The Beast in season 1? And our Bravo hearts are still broken for our beloved “fucking liar” after she lost her entire world in the Malibu fires late last year. Love all of you, gurls. 

But what the million dollar diamonds really shine bright to is the fact that we love each of these three BH stunners like our very own bitches (right, Brandi?), and we can’t wait to be reacquainted with all of the Beverly Hills friends and ladies tonight! Now, let’s watch the trailer one more time…because we must. 

4.What was that piece of paper Ms. Vanderpump has in her hand….right now??!!! So, back to that trailer because 156,654 times is never enough. While it looks like the Dorit vs. Lisa scandal (make your shade right here) is going to be the drama award snatcher of the season, we have no idea if it’s spelled, err, printed out on that piece of paper that Ms. Vanderpump is boldly holding up for all of us not to gasp over. We also see Lisa not calling Dorit a bitch (she does) right after the paper is served into our xxxpensive meme ready minds, so maybe that soon-to-be Smithsonian worthy shred of evidence will be the eye of this diva hurricane that’s a’comin.’

So, what do you think that piece of paper is? Beverly Beach’s financial statement? A wanted poster for Frederick? Lisa and Ken’s pre-nup? We need to know..now. Okay, we can wait until the season does splits out tonight…no, wait….we can’t….because the proof of what a ride season 9 is going to be is in that piece of paper and we’re more than ready to read it and take shade heaving notes in our pink notebooks. Ready? Yaaaaaas. 

5.All drama aside….it’s all about survival for the gals this season….While we’re simply dying to know just what Kyle Richards reaction was after she found out American Woman was canceled (why did no one watch??), we also learn how she picked up the pieces after that devastating robbery at her new estate. As spilled earlier, we also learn how Camille shines through after the fire, but even more pearl clutching than that will be how Lisa deals with recovering from the suicide of her brother, Mark

The Vanderpump Rules sorceress recently said on WWHL with AC that filming the season was certainly not easy (all Dorit and Kyle drama aside…right, Ken?), but like the champion she is, our favorite little dog lover got through it with flying colors. And as far as season 10(!!!!!!) is concerned, Ms. Vanderpump is rumoured to be…returning, which further proves that she among the rest of the ladies are true survivors, and perhaps that’s the number one reason why we just love them so much. Oh, wait..it is. Now, raise that fancy glass to season 9. 

6.Do you really need another reason?? Seriously, it looks like we’re absolutely going to have more than enough slices of RHOBH luxurious life and xxxpensive diva drama on the way than most of our just re-strung pearls may be ready to be clutched for. So, now is time to crack open the Roset, cases of pink Veuve Clicquot and pop those corks, because are fierce, fabulous ladies of Beverly Hills are about to set a fancy stiletto into our lives once again and it’s time to feel all sorts of xxxpensive and ready….and girl, are we ever.

See you tonight, ladies! 

 

 

 

For many more bougie (and most xxxpensive) beats like this, hop on board Philly Mixtape‘s first class pop culture plane right here and here

‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ cover photo courtesy of Bravo