post

5 Ways Mariah Can Truly Get Back Into Our New Year’s Eve Graces

Oops, she’s about to do it……again. 

And no, we’re not spilling about Britney‘s soon-to-be legendary performance via Las Vegas for the (sigh..) final round of her Piece of Me residency at Planet Hollywood that’s also taking place during Dick Clark’s Rockin Eve tonight.

Of course, we’re talking about Mariah Carey’s takeover of the iconic New Year’s Eve stage once again, or “Take 2” as the diva called it on Twitter when this epic announcement was made a few weeks ago. Of course, this wasn’t just any ol’ announcement as it comes directly one year after MC’s, errr, performance (?) from last year didn’t go quite as exactly as planned.

But without adding salt to the 2016 wounds that just won’t heal no matter how much electroshock therapy we seek (with 2017 not being so great either, so thank you for that), let’s just say all kinds of fingers we’re being pointed and the world was left stunned about what they just saw happen on one of the biggest live television broadcasts in the world….one of the biggest live performance dumpster fire performances in pop culture history. 

So, with that being said, there’s really nothing we can do but press play on our #1’s collection and oh, so patiently wait to see how Mariah is about to get back into our New Year’s Eve graces once again. While there are many, many ways she can do it, here are five that are guaranteed to simply do it all and then some.

Also, may the hypothermia not be with you, Times Square-r’s because fucking brrrr and then some…Godspeed…and especially you, MC. 

1.Maybe make a little joke about…that?  We all know that Mariah has a wickedly weird sense of humor, but let’s face it, it’s more of in a bat shit crazy diva kind of way. (see…Mariah’s World). So, you know what would really be fucking downright hilarious and delightfully twisted? If MC came out and a began with a little botch with a quick “just kidding, bitch!” to follow complete with grand New Year’s Eve slay. Now, that would truly be legendary and would surely silence all of those pesky haters that never seem to go away no how hard she tries…and she really, really does, y’all. 

 

2.DO NOT do the same set as last year…..    While we’re pretty sure MC won’t serve us with the same set as last year (it was “Emotions,” well, sort of, and “We Belong Together” in case you were too busy pouring tea during that time to listen), this year’s performance is all about diva redemption, so there’s good a chance that just might happen. However, for the sake of burning our lips for the start of 2018, don’t do it..please. Because Lawd forbid if something should go awry, the window/soul shattering prowess of those hits will truly be lost forever. May we suggest “Touch My Body” to open and a dash of “Hero” to bring the house down? Or perhaps the ODB remix of “Fantasy” for the kids and a touch of “Vision of Love” for the kweens? Hell, we’d even take “All I Want For Christmas is You,” because why the fuck not?  You get the idea…anything but last year’s, um, performances. Let’s leave it all where it rightfully belongs…more buried than Downsizing at the box office.

3.Pours tea…..maybe adjust the tracks to fit your present vocal range….takes sip. Okay, sooooo…the problem isn’t that Mariah can’t sing….bish has got a massive collection of chart destroying hits with eighteen Billboard number one singles among them to prove it. Check that, nineteen now that “AIWFC” finally sleigh-ed its way to the top this year. (You betta werk for that 500k every December, boo!)

However, the problem is that Mariah can’t sing those mid-’90s high notes like she used to…it’s just that she doesn’t know that yet. Or maybe she does and is just to god damn humble to admit it. Whatever the music truth may be, if you’re going to serve us with a true live performance, adjust those vocals to fit your mid-’40s vocal range. It’s okay, gurl. Celine has been doing it for years (see…this) and Adele and Ariana will eventually be there someday as well because it’s a perfectly naturally occurrence when you’ve belting out those hits pretty much all of your damn life. So at the end of the day. Mizz Mariah, we’re not bothered by the fact you can’t hit those high notes anymore, so just give us what we came for tonight…you. 

4.If something….does go wrong…..please, please don’t act like a huge fucking diva.  Bottom line…no one, repeat…no one wants to hear how you “didn’t rehearse” or how you “need a vacation, too.” And we’re pretty sure your backup dancers don’t need you to tell them “just bring me down.” Yes, all of that indeed went down and then some during last year’s diva-stivities, and since we’re all big boys and girls now after surviving a year that’s been, well, a fucking year, here is all of it one more time like Britney in case a certain diva named Mariah needs a refresher course of what not to do if your performance flatlines in the front of the whole god damn world..again. Let us pray and clutch those pearls. 

5. Just get out there slay that shit, gurl…..   The whole entire world knows you can do it…you’re MC for fuck’s sake. Enough said. 

Happy New Year, everyone! Here’s to many, many diva-filled blessings in the next twelve months to come! 

post

5 Reasons Why It’s Time to Move On from Mariah Carey’s Legendary New Year’s Eve Performance

Sigh…

Let’s just get right to spillin’ and breakin’ those mugs from the “special” cabinet that your Mother just reorganized from the holidays.

Because  it’s 2017 now and it’s time to get down to business…starting with this

1.Because that earpiece really does make all of the difference…for Mariah. Okay, let’s first spill about that not-so-elusive earpiece that flew off, dah-ling, and was (it was) apparently the root of…all things Mariah’s live..singing career. Get ready to clutch those pearls because…every music artist uses one when they sing live. Not only does it help them get in tune with their backup music surroundings and all of that not so joyful backup noise that’s guaranteed to surround them (it will) with every show, but it helps them keep in glorious tune with….themselves.

Throw all of that into the mix with a veteren diva who clearly depends on that earpiece for a lot and looked terrified with the thought of vocally going forward without it against a bunch of boozed up bros and babes in Times Square on the biggest party night of the year…

…and well, Glitter 2.

And as far as that pesky back up track was concerned…y’all think MC‘s hittin’ them “We Belong Together” and “Emotions” hiiiigh notes all by her damn self anymore?

The “Honey” weave has been rested. 

2.Because she’ll most likely learn something from this whole experience.. If there’s one thing that we can all take away from this whole thing, it’s that it’s abundantly clear that Mariah has no idea what to do when your life apparently unravels in the front of the whole entire world to see.

Since this is Mariah we’re spilling about here, she’ll most likely get into her whole self-discovering Butterfly mode and might learn some stuff, like, how to properly start over when things don’t take off on the runway quite as planned. 

How about…walk off the stage. 

Or maybe, just maybe, she can take a refresher course on some of those lyrics to some of those classics that we love to hear her actually…..sing. Or if she’s really feeling humble, maybe she should watch J.Lo’s New Year’s Eve performance that we’re not sure anybody watched. Hello? 

Also, Mariah, those so-called “dips” need some serious werk before you drop by on March 18th. And (sigh…) please don’t cancel, Mr. Richie and your Philly fans would be so..heartbroken.

3.Because shit really does happen in this thing called life… While we may never know exactly (let’s not forget, MC’s got a fab PR team) which element lit the match to explode Mariah’s now legendary New Year’s Eve bomb (so much back & forth like the dearly departed Ms. ‘Liyah), but there did seem to be this thing called life tossed up all up in the middle of it. Unfortunately, things, like happen in life and as much as we want everyday to smell like roses and feel like whiskers…fucking shit’s going to happen to…you. 

And when you’re a celebrity all up in that spotlight, that shit storm sometimes scales sky-high off the charts. And in Mariah’s case? She gave and served us with full on Helen Hunt in the middle of Twister. With the cows.

Now, that’s life comin’ straight at you. You got this, boo.

4.Because she’s Mariah and she’ll always be more fabulous than you… See:Mariah’s World 

5. Because we’re all going to need to put focus on getting our life lessons on in optimism soon.. And the power of music always helps us get through this, that and the other thang…which will never be a subject here (so, come on in!) as we kick off a brand spankin’ new year of nothing else but the music truth and spill all kinds of piping hot local and legendary entertainment tea. 

Which is also why you should stop throwing all of that shade (put down the Lemonade, Bey…she’ll figure it out) at Ms. Mariah and get back to DaydreamButterflyThe Emanciptation of Mimi, or any other of the records that made her who she is and always will be through the triumph…or the through the rain…...that diva

And just remember as we march off into 2017, if Mariah can get through New Year’s Eve, you can get through anything that comes your way this year. 

Let’s do it. That means you, too, MC.

 

 

post

New Year’s Eve 2017 Entertainment Mixtape

New Year’s Eve 2017 rules…..

1. Have fun…….2.Please be safe and get that Uber and/or Lyft……3.Respect every party promoter and entertainer who’s serving up these fabulous events just for you because they’re at werk and you’re white girl wasted……4.Don’t be an asshole because we’ve had enough of that this year…..5.Let’s party.

Sing Your Life Karaoke/All Over Philly In the mood to just sing it all out tomorrow night? Then follow those vocal slay bells on over to Les & Doreen’s Happy Tap and say Auld Lang Syne to the fabulous Sara Sherr and her massive Sing Your Life Karaoke collection, which is guaranteed to have that one song you can’t wait to butcher one last time like Ariana in 2016. 9pm-1, 1301 E Susquehanna Ave 

Macy’s Annual Christmas Light Show Because 78 times this holiday season just wasn’t enough. Right, Mariah? Every two hours beginning at 10 am, 1300 Market St. 

The Academy of Music presents:The Nutcracker Tomorrow night will be your last chance to have those nuts cracked in Philly this holiday season. Enough said. various showtimes, The Academy of Music, 825 Walnut St. 

The Wizard of Oz (Tonight through January 8th) Looking to spend a delightful  evening at the thea-tah before that big ol’ ball drops tomorrow night? Then follow the yellow brick road and give Dorothy, Tin Man, Scarecrow and the Cowardly your best 2017 wishes and get those tickets before they all skip out of town next week. Various Showtimes, Walnut St. Theatre, 825 Walnut St. 

Superdope Pre New Years Turn Up/Tonight Now, what could be more dope than a pre New Year’s turn up served up by the Gayborhood’s one-and-only, Mr. Stro Kyle? Absolutely nothing, especially when he’ll be serving up kinds of fabulously priced bottles (go here..now) with all kinds of beats from all over the music map provided by DJ Reezey that will be flowin’ like champagne all night long. But perhaps the best part of it all (besides the fact that this party despises negative vibes..so leave it at the garage door), is that your fabulous hostess, Icon Ebony-Fearce, and the Insatiable Taste of Sin herself, Ms. Omyra Lynn, will be taking over the stage to slay your 2016 lives one last time. Werk. Tonight, 9pm, Tabu, 200 South 12th St. 

Holy Trinity:All Beyonce/Nicki/RiRi Dance Party/Tonight Let’s get into complete formation for the year as we prepare to straight up snatch that moment for life in 2017. And of course, work, work, work, work, work. Enough said. Tonight, 9 pm, The Dolphin Tavern, 1539 S. Broad Street 

VIP New Year’s Eve 2017 at Penn 6 Gentlemen, press out your finest attire (may I personally suggest a fabulous suspenders and bow tie combo?) and ladies, get those freakum gowns ready because Penn 6 is about to get you all sorts of bougie’d up tomorrow night. So, please join the fabulous Valerie Teachout, the delightful Mizz Shannon Evs and the sexy and studly pairing of Sean Kane and Chad Gant as they’re each ready to serve you with all those bubbles and beyond to help you have, like, the best New Year’s Eve celebration ever. Let’s par-tay like its 1999, because we must. Go right here, right now for much more info. 

The NYE Burlesque Ball Feeling frisky and all sexed up like Color Me Badd heading into the New Year? Then join your elegant hosts HoneyTree EvilEye and Flirt Vonnegut for what’s sure to an affordable evening featuring fabulous bottle packages, grooves by DJ Spencer Rollins with performances by Comedy Kween BEV and burlesque beauties Tesla Tease, Masokiss and Otis Pena, all of whom will be ready to serve you with their tassle werk for 2017. 9 pm, Tabu Lounge & Sports Bar, 200 South 12th St. 

New Queer’s Eve You’ve heard the rumors and have now seen her latest Facebook pic marking her grand return to Philly. Yas, Queens & Queers, the one-and-only West Coast owning diva herself, Ms. Amber Hikes, is back in the City of Brotherly Love and ready to kick it Back 2 Basics style while serving you with all kinds of beats and bubbles for one fabulous NYE night only. If that’s not enough to sell you, go right here for all the 2017 B2B truth you can handle. 8 pm, The Foundry, 1100 Canal St. 

Kurt Vile and The Violators Ready to rock it out one final time in 2016 and give it up to a tremendous local music artist? Then Mr. Vile has got you covered. Literally…because that hair. Caress it in along with his trademark vocal wails and you’ve got yourself one hell of a rockin’ New Year’s Eve party. No offense, Mr. Seacrest. 8 pm, The Fillmore, 29 E Allen St.

Happy New Wave! The Sex Dwarf NYE Party If there’s one entertainer in Philly who can throw a New Year’s Eve dance party like nobody’s New Wave business, it’s certainly DJ Robert Drake, who’s bringing his Sex Dwarf party full swing into 2017. So, if you’re looking to avoid all of that Philly New Year’s drama (you know there’s always a little somethin’ goin’ down), head to Club Mousai (go right here for that Aqua Net ready info) and get cozy with Mr. Drake and his extraordinary catalog of classic grooves that’ll keep you warm all the way until the ball and those beats drop. 8 pm, Club Mousai, 1227 Walnut St. 

New Year’s Eve at Valanni Just when you thought you recovered from their red-hot Freeze affair at the start of the holiday season, Mr. Michael Duffy and his Valanni werk crew are back and ready to do it up in all kinds of fabulous Philly style. Meaning, get ready for one oh, so fancy evening filled with grooves by LEE, complimentary hors d’oeuvres, a delightful four course tasting menu and lots and lots of champagne bubbles to help you get your New Year’s Eve freak on like Missy. 8 pm, Valanni, 1229 Spruce St. 

New Year’s Eve with the Diva’s Is becoming that diva part of your one hundred New Year’s resolutions? If so, put it at the very top of your list (ahead of that one week at the gym) and prepare to learn your lessons from Donna Ria, King Rome and Philly’s legendary Tina Montgomery, who’ll all be ready and waiting for you with an open bar, real live boy toys, and of course all the noise maker werk your 2017 diva heart desires. 8 pm, Blaze’s 2nd Story Loft Bar, 2372 Orthodox St. 

The Mummer’s Day Parade starring Brittany Lynn Gird your hangovers, because Brittany Lynn and the rest of her Fancy Brigade gaggle of girlfriends are back for the 118th (!!) annual Mummer’s Day Parade and ready to serve up a storybook theme that’s guaranteed to be nothing short of a legendary fairy-tale.

But before she marches for her life this Sunday, she’ll be interrupting your Saturday brunch party one more time this year when she stops by Philly Mixtape tomorrow and serves up January’s piping hot edition of ALL the local drag tea….and this is one calendar you don’t want to miss out on! Stay tuned, kids! And for much more on this year’s Mummer’s extravaganza, strut it on up right here. 

Listen to Music/All New Year Long Let those grooves get in and get you by with whatever 2017 may bring.

And for much more Philly New Year’s Eve 2017 werk, peep this.